so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
