You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize