i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
