So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
