Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
