I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
