I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Everything about him screamed your future.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
