Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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