I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
