Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize