someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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