Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
