I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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