i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
