I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize