My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
