The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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