Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize