I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize