I heard we made out
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
