he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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