i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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