She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
