So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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