just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
