my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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