Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
