I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
