TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
