honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
