some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
