my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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