Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
