Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
