i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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