don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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