There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
