either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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