Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize