The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This is my gift to your gina
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
