I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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