i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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