I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
