apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
