There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
