Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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