I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
