you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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