I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
