just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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