we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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