You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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