Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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