theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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