sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
why do cheetos always look like penises
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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