My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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